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29 December 2011

How and When in the Now



I strive to live in the moment.
My partner is a great inspiration to me on this; he does a great job of it. Shawn rarely loses sight of what is True and he never takes the rising sun for granted. It's amazing and if it's corny, so be it but this is something I am trying to learn from him.

I am a planner.
I need to have all my bearings gathered with at least an outline of things to come. The reality of the plans can change and the outline never amended thereafter, but I have to start with an idea. Relating this to having babies, it seems to me that at least a little bit of preliminary planning is as somatic a response as involuntary as picking up something you dropped.

Maybe it's just my conditioned mind...

Does manifesting plans cause an inherent need for them? Does not creating any kind of plan and just "letting it all happen" make it easier to have a child? Are there certain things you should plan to a T, and then others to just let fall by the wayside?
Over the last 4 years Shawn and I have discussed babies like there was no question they'd be around in our futures. At first we used individualized phrases like "When I have a kid..." and then as time went by the conversations have woven in on themselves with the words "our babies." After our wedding some life situations like health issues and a death came up, our priorities shifted, and the planned window of time for having "our babies" moved up. Now we were thinking we would try to conceive in the late Fall of 2012. And now it has, at last, become a real fleshy possibility.

This shadow of possibility scares me like nothing before. It scares me so much that from time to time (until a few days after Christmas) I was doing polarized flip-flops on whether I wanted to have kids at all. Finally in the last few days of December I exploded. After putting my hyper pug in her crate before she broke something, every one of my thoughts and feelings about mommyhood from the last 6 months compounded and rose up in my throat. The tears burned so as to tell me that this baby thing was not for me. I couldn't even calm down Peach (pug), how could I ever squelch a whailing baby? I would epitomise inadequacy in the mothering world. I had fully decided for the last time that I did NOT want children and I had to tell Shawn when he got home.
I told him with finality that this is who I am, and if he wanted children I'm laying out the situation on the table. He was really upset. We cried. He asked why and I told him everything about how I'd been feeling and the things that had been running through my head. And then he did what he does best by reminding me of what is True: he is my partner. And we are going to make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes. Planning can make you feel better now but no amount of plans can predict every situation, and you're bound to screw up here and there. The best thing we can do is to live now; try to be the kind of people we want to be everyday; and to thus prepare OURSELVES for being the kind of parents we want our children to have. This diminished my fear.

And then he shared his thoughts on how we will conceive, "I just thought we'd just kind of be in the moment and decide right there if it's time to try, and continue accordingly..."

Sounds good, babe. Sounds really good.

(Sorry if you read this at D2S! I thought it fit here :o) )

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